Disintegration
by Bynamearose
Summary: For a moment, he doesn’t know how he got here; how he went from the greatest day of his life - to one of the worst. But then he feels tears usher over his face. And he knows as much as he may want this to be a dream....Lucas/Peyton, Dark/Angst
1. Quiet in My Town

-1**Title: Disintegration**

**Chapter Title: Quiet in My Town (Somebody Say Something)**

**Author: Bynamearose**

**Rated: M**

**Fandom: One Tree Hill**

**Pairing: Lucas/Peyton, Leyton**

**Summary: For a moment, he doesn't know how he got here; how he went from the greatest day of his life - to one of the worst. But then he feels tears usher over his face. And he knows as much as he may want this to be a dream, the event that had taken place were as real as the nightmarish hell around him.**

**Warning: Spoilers, Harsh Language, Death, Heavy Angst**

**Notes: Because, "…and they lived happily ever after…." never sat well with me. And I want to stop the happy!pregnancy stories that seem to be taking over the archives - and leaving me with nothing productive to do.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Tree Hill. I write actual drama, thank you.**

**A/N: Love this song…really in the middle about this story? What do you think?**

**-x- **

_Today I heard that someone left this earth  
That someone disappeared left no mark here  
Today I heard that someone just got up and left himself  
Lying on the ground _

"Luke," he hears as he watches the elevator doors open. Haley and Nathan rush in, concerned, worry etched over their features. He stands uneasily, looking at them both with gratitude he knew he'd one day want to repay in the same way - but hopefully never have to. And then he's swallowed into a hug by his best friend.

"Do they know anything knew," she asks as she pulls away, scanning his face for some kind of recognition of her words.

"They won't tell me anything." His blue eyes are unnaturally steely, she notes, and his closes his eyes as he continues on. "All they said was without these operations...she wouldn't make it through the night."

Nathan gives him a sympathetic glance and Lucas nods distractedly, his distraught expression unfaltering.

Reluctantly, the three have a seat - and his brother's eyes never leave the door he could only assume Peyton had once occupied. As the many times they had been in this room, waiting and praying, Nathan could only think what had always floated through his mind at a time like this;….it wasn't right. After all the golden couple had gone through, after all the blunder and downfall, they were the last he had expected to receive such trauma.

_Today is  
Today is  
Today is quiet in my town  
Today is  
Today is  
Today is quiet in my town _

-x-

_Today two boys disappeared without noise  
and I wish that I was them flying somewhere overhead  
And tonight in silence, two lovers hate and find  
One is bored  
One is angry  
but neither one of them is right, oh _

"How's he doing," Brooke presses them after she walks in, watching Lucas' form from the nurse's station. She'd only gotten the call twenty minutes ago, but she'd be damned if her best friend went through this alone.

"Not too good," Haley answers, watching semi-stoically as Sam sit down next to Julian, only muttering what she supposed were soft but sardonic remarks. Brooke follows her gaze, but simply rolls her eyes at Haley's half-hearted diversion; she'd be interrogated later, she was sure…but nothing was going to take away from this moment.

Skills and Deb are in the corner, staring down the floor - and a hand on his shoulder seemed enough to let him know she was there. In contrast, Mouth sits back in his seat nervously, staring at the ceiling above him - Millie's brown eyes watching him from across, not sure how to comfort anyone in the moment. Fergie is uncharacteristically quiet and Junk looks all too uncomfortable in the somber mood. No one knows what exactly they're supposed to do.

Brooke had knows many Lucas Scotts in her life. So It was strange to say that she found herself never really seeing this one. His hands are near shaking and, as he runs one of them through his hair, she can see him close his eyes in trepidation. As if waiting for the worst to come - just waiting for it to come and not leave him here, wondering. No one knows what exactly they're supposed to do….and he just wants to go back a few hours.

"C'mon," she hears him urge under his breath.

"….Everything's gonna be fine, Broody."

Just a few hours.

_Today is  
Today is  
Today is quiet in my town  
Today is  
Oh, Today is  
Today is quiet in my town _

-x-

_Oh, somebody say something  
Somebody say something  
Somebody say something to me  
Oh, someday say something  
Someday say something  
Someday say something cause I can't take this silence anymore _

_Anymore_

"Peyton," the obstetrician urges, looking up at the blonde . "…C'mon, Peyton, I need you to breathe."

The medical professional watches as the pregnant woman arches to another contraction and, as she does so, cries.

"My baby…"

"Peyton, we're going to put you under another anesthesia," she says calmly, looking the woman in the eye, "- but you've got to stop pushing."

"Please…" The tears fall from her distressed features as she pleads. "…just help my baby."

_Today is  
Today is  
Today is quiet in my town_

-x-

_Today I heard the sound of birds and I wish that I was anywhere but here _

"Lucas Scott…"

Everyone stands, but none faster than Lucas himself. The intern nods, taking in the many impatient faces gazing at him in search of answers. He looks to his clipboard, then back up at the blue eyed Scott.

God no.

_It's too quiet, too quiet  
It's too quite, too quiet _

_It's too quiet _

"We gave your wife a caesarean…" He, again, looks back at the board, his face contorted into what he hope was sympathetic. "With the surgeries it would be impossible to for her to give birth vaginally without any heavy bleeding or clotting…" He's prepared to dance around what he eventually has to say, inexperience making him nervous and much too empathetic for this kind of situation - until the man grabs him by the shoulders and demands he talk to him honestly.

_in my town, in here, in here, in here,  
It's too quiet in my town _

"…are my wife and child okay?"

_Today is  
Today is _

"I'm sorry, Mr. Scott."

_Today is quiet in my town. _

**-x-**

**A/N:**

**Song of the Chapter (and in the chapter):**

**Quiet in My Town - Civil Twilight **

**And, yes, I know - those aren't the whole lyrics. **

**(This was also played at Q's funeral, just so you know)**

**-- **

**My Q&A section (I take questions by review, so if you have one for me - don't be afraid to ask):**

**1) **

_**Q: Aren't you still working on 'Always'? Are you stopping work on said story, ect?**_

**A: Yes, I'm writing (Always) too. I'm mostly doing this because I've been out of commission (by computer) too long; I lost the chapter I had and have severe memory loss as to what I had written. I will be continuing - I just wanna have a little off time for a bit., regain the literary juices, if you know what I mean. **

_**Q: Your writing a Leyton pregnancy story - I thought you said you were sick of those? **_

**A: I am. Believe me, for every "happy ever after" baby I see named Keith or Ellie, I raise a scrupulous brow. I like the idea of Lucas and Peyton having a kid - but the representation of pregnancy being easy - or less complicated than it, with medical probability, is - makes me a little more sugary inside - and you don't want to see that….I spit fire and everything. There is such a thing as an easy pregnancy, but it's not the most common disease in the world…..But for the record, this is a story about loss, so I am going overboard the "probability" lines here - but purposely in the other direction. **

_**Q: Why write a story ( or a Pregnant Leyton story, for that matter) about loss? Aren't babies, like, the cutest things ever?**_

**A: Cutest, loudest things ever. Yes. However, I like loss with change. I'm a drama nut - hence why I watched the show, but this season has been…terrible. And this is from someone who was ready to start a protest if Lucas and Peyton weren't together this season. This is terribly traumatic…even more so then infidelity and, though I want Lucas and Peyton to have a kid, I know - not to be cliché - that any couple (Lucas and Peyton, for instance) that loses a child has a hard time surviving - both as individuals and as a couple. I think that Leyton could, hard as it would be for them. **

**--**

**Anyhow, I've said enough. This is a short first chapter - I'm already working on the second - so I don't expect much. But, I do want any critique you have to offer. This fic may be distressing to anyone who does not like dark or angsty story lines. Feel free to give me some love or just badger me about how bad this fic will more you feel for Lucas and or Peyton....Just click the periwinkle button XD. **


	2. Two Weeks Ago, It Was A Good Day

**Title: Disintegration**

**Chapter Title: Two Weeks Ago…It Was A Good Day**

**Author: Bynamearose**

**Rated: M**

**Fandom: One Tree Hill**

**Pairing: Lucas/Peyton, Leyton**

**Summary: For a moment, he doesn't know how he got here; how he went from the greatest day of his life - to one of the worst. But then he feels tears usher over his face. And he knows as much as he may want this to be a dream, the event that had taken place were as real as the nightmarish hell around him.**

**Warning: Spoilers, Harsh Language, Death, Heavy Angst**

**Notes: *Small Edit - Because I want Lucas and Peyton to be happily married, babies and all, but this is just a little too much for me….And apart of me feels like there were so many issues unresolved this season. I don't like much of the fics that are appearing around here mostly because they aren't that original (with some exceptions). *Also, this chapter takes place over the course of a month or so; two weeks before the last chapter. She's about thiry-one weeks pregnant in the present. About twenty nine weeks in the second chapter. **

_**When it all comes crashing down…**_

_**Will you be there for me?**_

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Tree Hill. I write actual drama, thank you.**

**A/N: Written before 6x15, so much so that it was creepily similar in my ideas….But chapter two down, anyhow…**

**-x- **

**Two weeks, three hours, forty-four minutes - the length of time it takes for everything to change.**

**-x-**

"Every blade in the field,  
Every leaf in the forest,  
Lays down its life in its season,  
As beautifully as it was taken up."

- Henry David Thoreau

-x-

_We don't need to whisper_

"No, Julian."

Lucas stood, leaning back against the kitchen sink and wondering whether he's ever seen a man more stubborn. There was no way he'd find the right director in time for this movie, thanks to the true "businessman" that was funding it. He felt for Julian, in a way, to have a father that instead pushes you harder into a corner, rather than trusting your judgment….But there was no way in hell he'd want this movie to be done, if only to be twisted and molded to someone else's warped vision. Not for him - and not for anyone else in the book that deserved to have their story told.

"Lucas, Paul just wants someone to direct this movie; the same thing we do," Julian swindled - or, at least, tried to, "…We pick one that's not too over the top - and at least we'll have a decent movie."

It was true, Julian realized, and Lucas had a point. It wasn't as if these directors were without talent, or without any movie making skills that other Hollywood directors seemed to endorse themselves for. They just…didn't have the same picture of the movie that he or Lucas had. But there was only a short time before the choice would be taken away from them…And it's always better to choose which door you find hell in.

Lucas laughed humorlessly, shaking his head and squinting at the man, arms still crossed flat against his broad chest.

"And here I thought you wanted to make a great movie."

Julian opens his mouth to speak, cut off by the harsh opening of the door.

-x-

_I should have turned back  
I should have known better  
Than to walk away defeated  
I'll say it tonight, I'll say it forever  
And this time I really swear I mean it _

-x-

"Peyton-"

Dropping her bag and long legs making their way to Luke, Lucas' eyes widen - before softening in her direction. As daily routine demanded, he was at once pulled into a chaste kiss, one hand comfortably finding its way to her waist - the other to draw circles on her lightly extruding stomach….Twenty-seven weeks and he still had trouble believing it.

From her candor, he supposed she hadn't seen Julian - and, quite frankly, didn't care if she had. Intending to deepen the kiss, the hand on her waist reached up to her curls - before the caressing of lips was stopped with a moan. She pulls back and out of his embrace quickly, giving him a quick peck of the cheek and running hurriedly to bathroom, as she had so many other times in the past months.

Lucas smiles with a trace of reluctance, shaking his head.

"….What, no kiss for me?"

Yep, still a stubborn dick.

**-x-**

"Julian says we should just pick one and…play the game." His brows pushed together and, his lips in a pout, she swore she'd never seen him this frustrated in months. "Then, at least we'll _have_ a movie."

She listened closely as he sighed.

"And the sad thing is I'm starting to think he's right."

From the raiding of the fridge, Peyton stopped, hands on an almost empty pickle jar, something most her cravings seemed to be gravitating to lately. Reluctantly, she set the jar on the counter, walking to sit next to her fiancé. He watched her walk carefully over to him and, with the light hormone surges that had come barreling through their house, he wondered whether it was really safe to discuss something that, in light of more recent - and important - news, seemed so trivial. But, as she sat next to him, he couldn't help but see his girl - only his girl, in the moment.

"Lucas…" She shook her head non-commitingly, her almost completely straight curls fluttering over her shoulders. "I know how much this movie means to you…I've seen you put your whole heart into this script and I can't imagine the person you'd be if you didn't. But Hollywood - a-list directors - they may not care about that. They may not care about our signatures on the river court, or the place where my car broke down - or the fact that they were the places where _we_," she emphasizes, "first started." He peered at her, the slight miff in her eyes letting him know that this was more truth than she really wanted him to hear. "But if these idiots aren't capable of seeing what you see in this - then you shouldn't _settle_."

Her hand came up to the set of his jaw - and before she could say a word, he was kissing her palm and letting his lips fall against her knuckles.

"….God, I love you."

Blue eyes met green and, pickle jars and screenplays forgotten, they're finding themselves right back where they were months ago, light whispers, comforted sighs…and all.

-x-

_Oh I need you now  
The Earth fell fast asleep  
This room is safe and sound  
Will you lay here with me  
And feel it.. _

**-x-**

"Peyton," he sighed.

All he can see is the opposing side of her, sitting up, and leant over his side of the bed. It was a place she'd recently required for apparent bathroom needs. He didn't take pleasure in it, to be preferably honest; her side wasn't as comfortable and the strangeness of a different side even made it feel a bit awkward. But…since her morning sickness, the lesser extent that had become her bladder control, and a protruding stomach that he was now convinced, no matter she may have been asking, he would always give in to by sight…by the mere thought that there was a life in there, a child in there - and the woman carrying it was his_, he knew he'd somehow live with it_.

But, tonight, he can't really see that side of her either. She's trying to massage her legs, something the obstetrician had recommended for both stress and muscle relaxation, but neglected to remember that every other night since the doctor had suggested this, it had been Lucas doing this, for practical reasons. He never minded; even through pregnancy, those legs were still the most god-given gorgeous, longest _fucking_ things he'd ever seen - and she seemed to enjoy it. However, he can't help but be lightly amused at her stubborn attempts to do "_something"_ herself.

That was how he remembered this fight starting. He'd, apparently, said something incredibly offensive (to his credit, these days it was hard _not_ to say something insensitive) and, green eyes flaring in a way he knew was not supposed to find sexy (and knew was safer not to speak about), she'd came back with how she wasn't an invalid - and how she could still do things herself, without him. He'd apologized, wisely. He'd sweet talked her, smoothly. And he'd appeased her, cautiously. But, somehow it didn't change his outcome. And it didn't change the fact that it was, though adamantly frustrating…incredibly sexy.

"Peyton…" He sat up, walking over to her (current) side of the bed as she stopped her slow resistance against him. He slowly clasped her hands in his, staring her in the eyes as he kneels in front of her, removing one hand to grab the lotion on the in-table beside them. Her eyes were still narrowed but her hands didn't struggle against his, which he considered a good sign - though he also knew what he said next would more than likely determine where he was sleeping that night. "…I'm sorry." Her eyes tempered and he lightly placed her hands onto her thighs, picking up her left leg leisurely, ankle first as he soothed the lower limb in his hands. Momentarily, he caught her eye - and, without words, they seemed to say all they needed to.

-x-

_I think I like today _  
_I think its good _  
_Its something I can't get my head around _

**-x-**

The white walls of the OBGYN office are not nearly the comfort Peyton had hoped for in what she now counted as her sixth appointment here. Five months and she was nervous; yet, she had no idea why. There was going to be nothing wrong with their baby. Nothing. There couldn't be. Lucas had consoled her several times over this very fear.

He'd worried his share as well - and asked the professional about the same amount of questions Peyton had. Every field goal kick had kept their questions moving. Every stomach flip that she'd been only too happy to share with Lucas - kept him in awe, in paternal wonder. Kept him just as active in this pregnancy as the doctor was, if not more.

But, mostly, he'd come there for her. He'd hold her hand; he'd rub her shoulders. Just kiss her forehead and whisper comforts until the nasally voice - belonging to the obstetrician's nurse - called them in with bright smiles. He'd be there for her, no matter what she needed - no matter how many times she'd tell him he needn't always.

"I told you when you came two months in that your pregnancy was high risk…and you needed as much bed-rest as possible," the brunette, their doctor, says pointedly as soon as Peyton is settled on the exam table, before reassuring the blondes, "…we can't see anything wrong - but with the minimal spotting, I still want you to take it easy."

"She will," Lucas adds in - and Peyton looks up at him with slight indignance. He looks down at her imploringly, making her close her eyes for a few minutes. The medical professional, as well, watches with slight bemusement, before rolling her eyes and going back to what she was saying.

"You need to rest the next couple weeks; no stress, no work, no long walks in the afternoon," she sighs before shaking her head, "You two have any questions?"

And, as soon as they were there, they were leaving.

"Lucas," the woman in the lab coat shouts - and he turns around, with a kiss Peyton's forehead - motioning for his fiancé to go ahead, "….your ultrasound." She raises her eyebrows knowingly as he fleetingly grasps the picture from her hands, looking at her through squinted eyes as he rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. She shakes her head. "You take it easy too," she comments dryly, walking back into her office.

"Luke," he hears after a few seconds, his lover's eager face followed by a 'let's go' hand movement.

-x-

_True love is something that comes easy  
Just one kiss god I swear I want to...  
I heard a pin drop and a nervous heartbeat  
Have you ever heard me scream I love you _

**-x-**

"Anna."

She smiled, amusement and sentiment seeping through her tones.

"For…"

He grinned back, hands in his pockets. He'd listened to her rattle on about how she really doesn't want to give their child a name that would scar them for life (or - as she and Brooke had talked about recently - last names for first names). And, though the sounds of computer keys were fresh in his mind, as he sat at his desk - she on the bed - he hadn't minded in the least. He'd spent the majority of his nights here since the pregnancy, writing as though he'd never had something so important to say, and, in the back of his mind, picturing what their child would look like.

God forbid, he or she got his nose.

But listening to her ramble, listening to her suggest names (a few, he was inclined to talk her out of _later_), and begin a long list of possible names, had never bothered him. He doubted there was really anything she could have said or done to vex him at this moment; all seemed to backtrack into one thought. The woman he loved was having his child. The person he was going to spend the rest of his life with was bringing a piece of them both into the world. A piece of what they had.

"…..For her," he clarified softly.

Slowly, Peyton nodded, feeling tears edge at the back of her eyes.

-x-

_Oh I need you now  
The Earth fell fast asleep  
This room is safe and sound  
Will you lay here with me  
And feel it.. _

-x-

His eyebrows raised and she laughed through her tears, mostly at her own silliness. He stood, smiling, walking to sit next to her as she pulled him down, burying her head in his chest. He pushed a curl behind her hair, letting her blissful tears dampen his chest as he held her close. His mouth hovered over her ear lightly - and the whisper of a rasp she heard next could only make her cry harder, hitting his shoulder for his teasing.

"I take it that's on the list, then…"

She smiled tearily into his shirt, letting him fall back onto the bed, her in his arms.

"I love you, Lucas Scott."

His blue eyes shine down, and his arms tighten around her shoulders as he says his next words.

"…You and Anna are my world, Peyton Scott."

-x-

_I think I like today  
I think it's good  
Its something I can't get my head around _

**-x-**

**A/N:**

**Song of the Chapter (and in the chapter):**

**Good Day - Angels and Airwaves**

**-- **

**For once, I'm outta comments. Imagine that. **


	3. Ungodly Act, Ungodly Hour, Part 1

**Title: Disintegration**

**Chapter Title: Ungodly Act, Ungodly Hour, Part 1 **

**Author: Bynamearose**

**Rated: M**

**Fandom: One Tree Hill**

**Pairing: Lucas/Peyton, Leyton**

**Summary: For a moment, he doesn't know how he got here; how he went from the greatest day of his life - to one of the worst. But then he feels tears usher over his face. And he knows as much as he may want this to be a dream, the event that had taken place were as real as the nightmarish hell around him.**

**Warning: Spoilers, Harsh Language, Death, Heavy Angst**

**Notes: *Small Edit - Because I want Lucas and Peyton to be happily married, babies and all, but this is just a little too much for me….And apart of me feels like there were so many issues unresolved this season. I don't like much of the fics that are appearing around here mostly because they aren't that original (with some exceptions). *Also, this chapter takes place over the course of a month or so; two weeks before the last chapter. She's about thirty-one weeks pregnant in the present. About twenty nine weeks in the second chapter. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Tree Hill. I write actual drama, thank you.**

**A/N: **

**-x- **

Times go by turns, and chances change by course,From foul to fair, from better hap to worse.

- Robert Southwell (1561-1595), _Times go by Turns _

-x-

_Don't talk, don't say a thing _

_Cause your eyes they tell me more than your words _

_Don't go, don't leave me now _

_Cause they say the best way out is through _

-x-

"_I'm sorry, Mr. Scott."_

Golden curls.

His daughter…their daughter, would have golden curls. Or, at least, that was how he had pictured it. He imagined girlish, giggling laughter - the kind that Peyton always denied having, but he'd purposely brought about on many occasions - and maybe…just maybe, his blue eyes. He imagined an unruly, precocious attitude, one that would be adorable as a child - but hell as a teenager. He imagined a pleading pout, a daddy's girl. A laugh like his. A snore like Peyton's…

But, as with most things in life, imagery is always better than reality.

"_Unfortunately, the fetus did not survive…" _

He listens to the blue-scrubbed intern fumble over his apology. Listens to him go on to explain that there was nothing anyone could do, including he or his wife. Listens to him indolently until the man walks away in a form, looking back, that felt, in his grief, almost burden-less. He listens until his knees give out. Until he's breathless. Until his throat goes achingly dry - so much so, that even when Nathan and Haley come to his side, worry and distress obscuring their faces, he can't let out any form of air.

"…_Mr. Scott, your wife is in recovery…" _

Peyton.

The one thing he could thank God was still there, still in his life…

He can't stop himself from gasping like a fish out of water when Nathan helps him back into the chair behind him. He feels Haley's hand on him, numbly, and, from the deadened, out of place state he was in, he hears Brooke's sob of, "…Oh my God" and numbly catches sight of Julian's taken aback appearance as he lets her cry into his chest.

But it all seems to fade away….Every hope. Every dream. Every blissful moment where he could only question just how he got so lucky. Just how he got so far…seemed all too literal. Seemed to flash and disintegrate before his eyes. Something that hadn't even been born yet had now caused a void. In his heart. In his life. And, more than likely, all of this in his girl.

"_She's still unconscious…"_

It hits him then that Peyton doesn't know. Someone would have to tell his wife that the life inside of her was cut short. Someone would have to watch her expression as she would register the words. Watch as she'd either push those around her away - or fall far from her former self. He knew the two typical Peyton Sawyer reactions to grief; he'd seen her mourn too many times….too many times to expect this.

"_The anesthesia will be wearing off soon…"_

She doesn't deserve this.

"…_Mr. Scott?"_

-x-

_And I am short on words knowing what's occurred _

_She begins to leave because of me _

-x-

"Luke," Nathan tries, kneeling down in front of his brother.

Lucas vaguely registers this. He wants to say something - to say _anything_ - but at this moment all he can do is stare, try to keep breathing, and think about taking care of his wife. Nathan's eyes still stare through his own. And suddenly, Lucas seems to know what he needs to do.

"I…" He pants, standing uneasily on his legs, which now feel more like stilts. "I…I n-need to see Peyton…"

Even after his mumbling, Nathan doesn't stand in his way. He doesn't try to reassure or comfort him, like Haley seems barely able to resist doing. He doesn't stare, incredulous and timid, like the way Brooke does now - though still cradled in Julian's arms. He backs away because, inwardly, he knows better. He knows he can't comfort them through this. He can't fix this. And he'll only be a rock and confident until the day comes where they find a way through this…for his brother, for Peyton, and for anyone else who needed him there; he'd be solid and unobtrusive - like they all needed him to be.

But it doesn't stop him from staring after as his brother makes his way down the hall and into the room that his sister-in-law lay unknowingly broken.

**-x-**

Lucas walks in and for a moment, he wonders whether this was some eerie hallucination caused by a Casablanca repeat. He wonders if he could just go back to that night, that moment and hold her close - take her and, God…_his little girl _away from today, to another time and place where none of this was possible. None of this was real. He wonders how he'll ever look at anything the same.

He watches her chest rise and fall - and it's nearly killing him not to walk over to her and take her hand in his. His eyes rake over her and, taking her in, his chest tightens when his gaze stops over her stomach. His eyes close and, before he registers it, he's sitting on the chair next to her, clenching his jaw to stop the sobs determined to break from his lips. He doesn't try and clasp her nimble fingers in his. He doesn't even open his eyes. His hand, alternatively, finds its place on her abdomen. He resists the urge to get angry or shed tears and, instead, lets out a shaking breath as he lets his hand retreat from the spot where, just weeks ago, he'd felt his child's brief sign of life.

"Lucas…"

Her green eyes blinking open tear into his already flawed heart.

For a moment, he doesn't know what to say.

"Peyton-"

His voice breaks as he watches her slowly sit up, gradually coming into focus with the room around her. He stands and, as her hand reaches her own stomach, swallows back the nausea taking haven at the back of his throat. Peyton blinks rapidly, looking down at her middle before gazing back up at Lucas.

"Luke-"

Her drowsy but concerned tone kills him and, selfishly, he wishes he wouldn't have to be the one to damage her with this.

"Peyton, they couldn't-"

The tearing of her eyes about makes him lose it. Right then and there. Those gorgeous green eyes have never looked so broken. Never looked at him so disastrously. He isn't surprised; he can barely keep himself together at this moment. But, somehow, it still brings everything he knows he needs to say (but can't stand to) to a screeching halt.

"No," she lets out in denial, her tears finally treading a path down her face as realization sinks into her features. He moves to embrace her as her hand moves from her mouth to her eyes. Her shoulders shake restlessly. Her eyes clamp tightly shut. She half-heartedly pushes him away, a string of, "Oh God…No. Please…no," leaving her swollen lips - but, even as she pushes against his chest, he can't let go. He won't let go. He's whispering comforts into her temple and she's sobbing into his shirt.

He really wonders how he'll ever look at anything the same.

-x-

_Her bag is now much heavier _

_I wish that I could carry her _

_But this is our ungodly hour _

**-x-**

"…you may feel like you need to talk to someone. The hospital offers a few programs and grief therapies for a spontaneous abortion…"

She tries hard not to collapse into tears as she hears the remnants to her obstetrician's speech of 'what happens from here'. Of course, she may have been more sympathetic if the lecture hadn't started with how sorry she was. _"…Luckily, your uterus is clear of any tissue from the placenta, so, you won't need any dilatation." _She hated it. 'I'm sorry's were almost as bad as the situations they were used in. When she'd lost her mother, she'd heard the same words to father - over and over again.

_"…for the next couple of days. This pain might feel like your menstrual cycle, but if it continues at a later time…" _

Eventually, they'd turned meaningless. Effective-less. What would happen from here…somehow didn't seem like it would start from this hospital….Or from anywhere, really. How could anything happen from here? She just lost a child…their child, for God's sake. Their own creation - from a life she was sure she'd never have. With the man she thought she'd never have again._ "…your normal periods should resume in about three-to-six weeks. In the meantime…"_

To be honest, Peyton would have protested against the 'informative' ramble. She would have let out a snap, furrowed brows and tired eyes following. Lucas would've grabbed her hand, trying to soothe her. And the woman in front of the bed would've raised her eyebrows cautiously….Her throat, however, burned too much to say so._ "…your body will need time to heal before you can get back to your every day life. That also means you'll need to avoid…"_

Suddenly, she feels Lucas' fingers trace a pattern over her knuckles. He's sitting next to her, now back in the chair from her earlier breakdown, tense as she'd ever seen him, watching the doctor numbly. He's distracting himself. She knows that. But the fact that he's there with her lessens the twisting in her stomach that the doctor causes every time the word 'fetus' or 'miscarriage' is used.

Peyton can't help but close her eyes. It isn't fair. This isn't right. _"…You may have some breast discomfort for some time, if left untreated. We can prescribe medication to repress the natural Oxytocin hormone which causes…"_ Her child is gone and all the woman could talk about was breast pain and uterine cramps. She'd give up anything to have what was now her dead child with her today, alive and healthy. Did she really think she would care about such minor, insignificant pain? Such irrelevant hurt?

"Stop."

Her only surprise is that she isn't the one objecting.

-x-

__

I know you're leaving now  
Cause I held on to my way tightly  
Stay still until you know  
Tomorrow finds the best way out is through

-x-

**A/N:**

**Song of the Chapter (and in the chapter):**

**Ungodly Hour - The Fray**

**--**

**"When any woman is pregnant with a wanted pregnancy, then, right from the very beginning, not only are they pregnant but they are also moving into parenthood," said Jane Ogden, Professor of Health Psychology at the University of Surrey, "They are imagining how that child will grow up and what their future is going to be. And so when you experience loss, you don't just experience the loss of a fetus, you experience the loss of all that future which you have created for yourself as a mother. But I think also just not knowing why it's happened is very unsettling for people." **

**_Nothing much to say…Just half of the update I was going to put. Extremely short as a stand-alone chapter, but I thought I should at least have something up…Besides, I'll probably have my next update next Monday. And that day should certainly be interesting. Preview for the next chapter:..._**

"Hey…" His voice is calm, but wavers on desperate. He needs her to know she's not alone in this. He wants so badly to keep her here with him, not let her push him away.


End file.
